Johnny English Reborn

Synopsis: Bean, Blackadder and now this pile of capital ‘B’ Bullcrap.

Review: After not paying much attention when this franchise came about (yes there was a movie before this one) I don’t know what I was thinking in committing my hard-earned to such an eye-gougingly dull motion picture experience. But alas the pickings at my local theatre were as slim as Women’s Day magazine makes you think you can be, so I was forced to select this cinematic experience with as much joy and vigour as said magazine readers have when they have to choose whether to cut out the cake or chocolate. The term ‘reborn’ in the title holds as much validity in the protagonists’ renewed credibility as Christian baptism does for the repentant (read: absolutely none). The movie is a spoof of the spy genre  which relies so heavily on poorly 'Benny Hill Show' style gags and Rowan Atkinson’s ability to hilarious pronunciation  that you find yourself getting apprehensive about the next word which contains a ‘P’. Agent English is re-enlisted by MI-7 after being previously banished from the organisation for ballsing up a protection mission in Mozambique. English finds himself working in a new politically correct spy establishment that frowns upon the womanising, drinking and general belligerent violence expected of an old-school double-O style assasin. The plot is as poorly formed as a bowel cancer sufferers stool sample and the support actors, all British, don’t really rate a mention. If you’re an Atkinson fan don’t waste your time as you’ll no doubt reduce your opinion of him as an actor, let alone a human being. As a normally boisterous cinema laugher this comedic drivel instigated barely four audible laughs from me in its 101 minute meander towards the bottom of the jester's gag barrel. An inexplicable epitome of lowest common denominator, paltry, slapstick humour, you’ll get more of a laugh watching the latest edition of SBS news. 

Rating: 1/5

Horrible Bosses

Synopsis: One of the few films capable of making murder light hearted.

Review: Once in a while we all come across that supervisor whose management style is equivalent to being repeatedly poked in the eye of your penis (or female equivalent) with a white-hot crowbar. Unfortunately, as is generally the case, the shackles of contemporary behaviour require that we swallow the faeces sandwich, smile and ask for another bite. Horrible bosses follows the three protagonists Dale (Charlie Day), Kurt (Jason Sudeikis) and Nick (Jason Bateman), three high school friends, all at points in their lives where their enthusiasm for their bosses is synonymous with a heroine addicts affinity for getting clean. After realising they’re all in situations where simply quitting would leave them in a situation where sexual compromise would be essential to pay the bills they come up with the genius plan to kill each of their bosses. Cue hilarity based solely around the middle class white perception of the simplicity of murder, where methods are based primarily around the ‘how people screwed up on Law and Order’ and the advice of their murder consultant ‘Muthafucka Jones’ (Jamie Foxx). The dynamic between the three characters is fantastic and one can truly see how, if pushed to the edge, with the appropriate motivation, you could conceivably find yourself bumbling through a half-baked plan to rid yourself of someone who’s presence in your life can be likened to that of a haemorrhoid you accidently rubbed with deep heat. All of the characters in this film are a joy to watch and will make you smile with that knowing “I’ve been there” look on your face. The three lesser known actors performances are supplemented nicely with Hollywood A-Listers Kevin Spacey (the megalomaniac investment banking boss), Jennifer Anniston (a sex crazed Dentist) and Colin Farrell (a coked up company heir), all of whose personalities diverge from their typical on-screen stereotypes. I would have like to have rated this more highly but alas, it falls into the same genre that we see being produced at an American Opussum’s gestation period rate (12-13 days for those non-Attenborough aficionados out there). For lovers of movies like Old School and The Hangover, this is right up your ally and I guarantee you’ll be on the edge of your seat laughing. For everyone else, find a sense of humour and indulge in what will likely be (for those in the rat race) the best 97 minutes of your weekend.

Rating: 3/5

Battle: Los Angeles

Synopsis: Another Earth apocalypse film to fill the time between... well.. the next Earth apocalypse film.

Review: After a bit of a hiatus from review films I'm back on the horse with my reviews and what a way to start the year. I wish I could say that Battle: Los Angeles is the penultimate alien invasion movie, but alas, I cannot. This movie barely passes for a time killer and I can think of a few better ways to spend 116 minutes (including watching that "I'm beached bro" video on YouTube sixty times over). Set in modern day USA the story covers the movements of a US Marine Corps troop who are sent into the extra-terrestraial besieged Los Angeles as part of earths defence against a H2O hungry alien force. The main protagonist is Staff Sergeant Michael Nantz who is played by Aaron Eckhart, who I normally like but in this case am questioning whether he, and his agent have recently had a stroke prior to script selection. Staff Sergeant Nantz leads his marine troop, under his young, officer grad lieutenant into battle against the invading aliens. The poor use of last minute 'shock' jolts, predictable aircraft shoot-downs and terribly cheesy dialogue don't do this flick any favours, and unfortunately for Aaron, no amount of bum-chinnedness was going to save this film from plummeting to the bottom of the sci-fi movie rating list, barely above Battlefield Earth. On the upside the CGI wasn't bad although that barely seems to be an excuse these days when you compare it to blockbusters like Avatar and District 9.

Score: 2/5

Scott Pilgrim vs. The World

Synopsis: What life would be like if video games and comic books were real

Review: This piece of cinematic intricacy is bought to us by Edgar Wright, the director responsible for the black comedies of Hot Fuzz and Shaun of the Dead. His style rings through in almost every intense scene in this film, with in your face screenplay and that intense cacophony of action and sound. The story revolves around Scott Pilgrim, a Canadian born, dump living, grunge rocking nobody who falls in love with the girl of his dreams and is forced to do battle with her seven evil ex-boyfriends. Along the way he learns something about himself and those around him. Throw all your expectations to the wind with this film as you will not have seen anything like it in a very long time. It’s a strange combination of kung fu, Mario, comic books, grunge music and teenage angst. Kudos to the Director for bringing this graphic novel to life in an incredibly enjoyable piece of film. You’ll leave the cinema with your mind blown, socks rocked and wondering where you can get your hands on that old Nintendo you used to play as a kid.

Rating: 4/5

Mao's Last Dancer

Synopsis: The Karate Kid for Ballet Fanatics

Review: What's that I hear you say? Liam saw a ballet film? You know what? I did, and it was damn awesome. This film is based on the book by the same name and beauifully portrays the story of Li Cunxin, a young Chinese boy selected by the Communist Chinese regime to take part in the nation's ballet program. Li is mentored by my favourite character in the movie 'Teacher Chan' who teaches him the value of hard work and never giving up. Li is eventually selected to do a placement in the American Ballet Institute where he excels in dancing but struggles with the acute consumerism of Western culture and the elicit lure of American women. The story is told through Li's current experience in the American Ballet Institute and a series of flashbacks to his childhood and the hardships endured as part of his selection and training under the Chinese Communist Ballet Regime. This film is lovely to watch, it has mad-wicked dancing, funny Coummnism-isms and a generally meaningful message of overcoming adversity about it. Although there are no big-name actors the characters do generally shine, and draw you into the story. My one criticism of this flick would be that the main character is ridiculously ripped and makes all other men look bad (except for Browny). If you have body issues, best go with a supportive friend/man-date to hold you when the tears are just too much. I implore you to put down all pre-conceived notions about this supposedly 'art-house' flick and go and see it with an open mind. You will not be disappointed.

Score: 4/5

Beautiful Kate

Synopsis: Incest in the outback - didn't see that coming.

Review: This film is a testament to the solidarity and honesty of the Australian Film Industry and it's ability to paint an amazing yet disturbing picture of part of our culture. I hadn't seen any previews for Beautiful Kate nor read the book so I didn't know what to expect, which made it all the more a, uhhh, what's the word? Experience. Ben Mendelson plays Ned who returns home to his old outback property to herd his ignorantly brutal father into the next life with his sister Sally (Rachel Griffiths). The plot builds through a series of flashbacks showing how the loving relationship between Ned and the now deceased Kate (Sophie Love) degenerates into something more than sibling affection. The characters are all honest, engaging and believable, with each baring their soul as the story meanders on. My one criticism of this film is that it is hard to watch at times as the honesty of the characters and the situations they are placed in are uniquely awkward. This is also ironically the characteristic of this film which also makes it so interesting. You will leave with a sour taste in your mouth but it will be like no other sour you've ever tasted before.

Score: 3/5

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

Synopsis: Degrassi Junior High Meets Hogwarts

This film opens with Harry attempting to pick up a young British girl at a Tube Station Cafe which sets the theme for the rest of the film, a tumultuous, at times dull account of pubescant frustration in a school where it appears impressing girls on the Quidditch field is more important than saving the world from "You Know Who". This was by far the most disappointing of all of the Potter films with the actors not displaying much more talent than they did in "The Philosophers Stone", at least acting wise. The film is slow at the best of times, and despite covering what seems like a myriad of flashbacks and tangential plot-lines it still leaves you feeling empty. There is also none of the cool magical action scenes we have come to expect from Potter films with not even one Petronus Charm conjured by Potter or any of his magically inept offsiders. The ups are that Ron finally employs that Ranga Arctic Monkeys look he's got going on to pick up an unbalanced pubescent Witch, while Hermione, despite all of her other redeeming qualities (which I can now say given her recent Birthday) pines after him with the angst and emotion of a woman who just didn't get that hug from Daddy. I have no qualms about describing this film as all the wank (and a long one at that) without the reward.

Score: 2/5

District 9

Synopsis: District 9? More like District Awesome.

Review: You know that scene in 'The Mask'? The one where Jim Carey sees Cameron Diaz for the first time, his eyes pop out of his head, and his tongue rolls onto the table like a carpet rolling out? Watching this film is the equivalent of that. If Peter Jackson was worried about being pigeon-holed after Lord of the Rings (as the director of one of the largest grossing franchises I dare say this concern is low on his list) he needn't be. Set in modern day Johannesburg this film starts off as a documentary style account of how the Saffas would deal with a refugee alien race, landed on earth due to an unforseen affliction of their leaders. The story continues with protagonist Vikus Van De Merve as field leader of the MNU (a UN style security force, contracting the heavy lifting to ex-South African Special Forces personnel) as they 'deal' with the outcasts and their lack of integration. There are undertones of criticism in the modern nationalist approach to 'aliens' however you soon forget any political ideology bashing when the action ramps up. The bad guys are bad (and there are plenty of them), the weapons are cool (mind blowingly so - literally), the characters are engaging and the South African accents, coupled with the unique directing really make you feel like this actually happening. This film has everything you want in a Sci-fi flick (although pasting it with this genre does not do it justice), an original plotline, incredible directing, a novel way of constructing and continuing the story, fantastic characters (both real and animated) and out-of-this world CGI. Please. I beg of you. Watch this movie. belt everyone you know over the head until their eyes are also ejected from their skull. It will not disappoint. 

Score: 5/5

Inglorious Basterds

Synopsis: Holocaust adaptions are rarely this enjoyable.

Review: After wondering through the lonely desert of Hollywood disappointment I have finally managed to stumble upon an oasis of silver screen genius. Tarantino has once again proved why movie direction and production is not just a job, but an art form, of which he executes superbly. This is not a historical representation of Nazi ruled France but instead a dark, quirky take about a band of American misfits ('The Basterds') operating behind German lines as a Guerilla outfit, terrorising Nazi Squads they come across. The other story thread involves a young, blonde, bitter, tainted, vengeful (too many adjectives?), French Cinema owner/operator, Shoshanna, whose family was murdered at the hands of 'The Jew Hunter', an SS Colonel, whilst she was young. The plot is held seamlessly together by some superbly directed scenes of multilingual dialogue between key characters, all of whom are compelling whether beautifully helpless, likeably evil or just plain hilarious. Expect the usual amount of in your face gore, bizarre manga styled flashbacks and unorthodox, yet appropriate soundtrack. Tarantino fans will not be disappointed with this facist helping of cinematic enjoyment, and Tarantino virgins should prepare for 'the big day' by throwing all expectations to the wind, and just going with it.

Score: 4/5

Notorious

Synopsis: R.I.P. Biggy (and the careers of the people that made this film)

Review: Tasked with selecting an activity to gainfully employ my Friday night this film immediately checked most of the criteria one looks for on the DVD shelf. Rap music - check, black people - check, guns - check, historically informative - check. It looks like I may have to tighten up my checklist. A recount of the sordid tail of the life of Christopher Wallace aka Notorious B.I.G. Smalls, this movie does not do this 380 pound African American rapper justice. Biggy was simultaneously known for his artistic genius as well as the darker parts of his personality. He could spit fresh rhymes, or spit on his latest 'ho', cut up a record, or cut up one of his East Coast nemeses, pump out a thick beat or... well, you get the picture. At times the movie tries to humanise a dark and tormented character through his interaction with music, however it's done with all the finesse of a one handed five year playing Beethoven's fifth symphony. The worst part is if you know anything about the East Coast, West Coast rap wars (Biggy vs. 2Pac) you will already be able to guess the ending. This film reinforces my previous adage that 'Just because you're a rapper (dead or alive), you are not entitled to a biography film'.

Score: 1/5

Bruno

Snapshot: The next Sacha Baron Cohen character better be better than this one...

Synopsis: Unfortunately there isn't much to tell with this film, being one of the most disappointing movie experiences of my life. The film sums up Sacha Baron Cohen's queer Austrian fashionista as he trapses around the United States in search of fame. If you're like me and are a Borat and Ali-G fan you will be even more disappointed than the usual hand-bag toting Bratz crowd that have jumped on the band-wagon, and are the only people you will hear openly enjoying this fim in the cinema. I was surprised to read that this movie grossed more than Borat and Ali-G on it's opening, but Cohen has been on the international circuit pumping this film hard (no pun intended). Although it does scratch the surface of an ultra-conservative, pseudo-facist USA it is done in such a cringe-worthty manner it's not worth the watch. This is a first 0/5 for me and hopefully the last. Definitely not suitable for those not comfortable with alternative sexuality, nudity, extremist christian religion views and full frontal nudity. A true disaster.

Score: 0/5

Transformers: Rise of the Fallen

Synopsis: Just when you thought Transformers couldn't get any more Epic, with a capital E.

Review: I was skeptical about seeing this film as I had already heard mixed reviews and after having the Transformers bar already set fairly high by the first films I braced myself for disappointment. Let me just say that for the first half an hour of this film I could not wipe the smile off my face. The technological carnage ensues from the outset with a number of new Transformer characters (in the form of vehicles that would arouse Top Gear viewers) introduced in the first scene with Michael Bay's "action directing" taken to a new level. If you're looking for a complex plot, well developed characters and a twist at the end, go watch a Tarantino film. If you're a man, with hair on your chest, who likes things being blown up, cool cars, a ludicrous amount of military equipment and destruction by bio-tech lifeforms the likes of which you've never seen, this is the film for you. My one criticism would be that the film goes a little long (160 minutes, schedule in toilet breaks), and Megan Fox needs running lessons.

Score: 4/5